Phoenix trip

A rotten day in Phoenix with Eliot's family and their friends. It was Eliot's great grandson's 7th birthday. Eliot's granddaughter is a really great mother and her kids are terrific, 7, 6 and a baby. It was just that there were all these younger people, I guess friends of everybody who I didn't know and I ended up sitting most of the day in this one chair on the patio and they didn't even let me hold the baby. Did they think I was going to drop it?

And they spent so much time talking about hunting and the deer that his other granddaughter's boyfriend had shot and there just wasn't anybody I could talk to or anything I could do to help out in the kitchen since I don't navigate well and I just think if there's another such occasion I just won't go. I can't imagine Eliot had a good time either. And the worst thing is that there was a pinata filled with candy that they put in a bowl on the table right in front of me and I ate probably a dozen little bars of something chocolate.  

frustration

This whole dispute with eTeacherBiblical or whatever it's called is very upsetting. I keep on getting new charges on my Discover Card even after I spoke with someone at Discover who said they wouldn't accept any new charges from  them but these are dated previous to when I spoke to them but didn't appear until today. I also can't find the letter I wrote to Discover on Word. I probably didn't specifically save it. Calling Discover is being put on hold. I think I should send a check to Discover to pay for all the other charges but that I'm not going to pay for any of the eTeacher charges and  ask them to close the account.
My other frustration is with Eliot. We saw a movie today which evoked all kind of emotions in me but all he says is "It was kinda cute" That expression is his usual statement about most stuff. His other expressions are "I have no idea" and a similar expression which I can't think of now. And of course it's impossible to have any political discussion because everything he says mimics Rush Limbaugh or IBD. And then I end up thinking that's what I deserve because I got into this relationship selfishly. He has money although he's stingy about most things and the sex used to be good. Now there's no sex and we can't really travel much because of his health.

waiting for Rochester

Tomorrow I'm flying to Rochester, actually to Buffalo where Patrick will pick me up in the middle of the night and take me to a fancy motel in Rochester where Artie has made reservations in an accessible room. Jake and Eldar are in Rochester staying with Steven Spinder. It should be interesting. I hope I'm physically able to do the activities. It will be different to be in an environment where people talk. And don't say "I have no idea" which is what Eliot replies to me when I ask him most anything. So far when I ask Jake on the phone or in emails something technical, he says "wait and ask Eldar". I hope it is true that Eldar can answer any questions I have about the tablet like how do you know how many times to tap or how many fingers to use. Now I'm waiting to try and do my first Hebrew class. I don't know if I can reply to anything because I have never had the opportunity to converse with anybody on both the computer and table. I think I'll try to google a solution.  

selfish

I'm basically very selfish, in the sense that I don't see people outside of how I relate to them. I didn't discover this until I was in my 40's or 50;s when I was in therapy or actually earlier. Once with Fred it happened that all of a sudden I realized that he had his own desires apart from me. I guess basically I used people. Despite all my years in therapy and life experiences I'm still so insecure and confused about how to get along with people.

UTIs

Does Eliot ever wash his hands? Everytime we get together physically, not actually sex in the usual sense, I get a UTI . I do usually end up giving him a blow job although last time it didn't get that far and I won't let him go inside my twat but he does get close to it with his dirty hands. Now I have a UTI again which means I have to go over to the clinic and get some cipro. When we were in Mexico I tried to get Cipro but now the US won't let you bring in Cipro anymore. Why? Has it become a street drug? At the moment I'm so angry that I'm thinking when I get back from Rochester (I'm going there June 24 till July 2) I want to move back to Las Fuentes. Just a studio which if Eliot won't pay for it,. I will with the money Marc has for me. I'm going over to the gym this morning. Since I came back from Las Fuentes I've really gone down hill physically. I;m just so angry now. I was lonely at Las Fuentes. Being with Eliot changes that. Why do I always have to be with someone? I suppose being with Eliot 24/7 for all those years while we were on the road has a lot to do with my needing to be with him although we have nothing in common anymore. What do I do? I guess right now I just have to get some Cipro.

Lawyers

I am being sued by the woman I ran into two years ago. She sued just before the two year deadline. She's asking for more than the liability insurance, or her lawyer is. She wasn't hurt very badly I was and my life changed. I was an active independent 75 year old and now I am a dependent, partly disabled depressed 78 year old. Wednesday I go see the lawyer who is representing me through State Farm. I almost hope this goes to court so I can face her. I'll have Eliot wheel me in in the wheelchair.

I am a very bad person and since I don't believe in hell, I am living it now. I spoke to a Buddhist and tried meditating but I'm not trying very hard. Sometimes when I have bad thoughts, I start counting my breath. I need my life to change radically and only I can do this. If I did the exercises I've been given by the physical therapists, it would be the first step and I could walk outside. The problem with that is walking alone and sometimes messing up Eliot's plans which he doesn't tell me about because he doesn't talk to me. But now I will always find out what they are before I go out. I will take a little walk now. It;s nice to go outside because I don't like being inside.

dear diary

I thought I had noone to talk to, then I remembered sillynarren. I'm reading a book "Lucky Us" and the older sister writes letters to her younger sister and I wanted to talk to someone or write a letter. Oh, I just remembered I was writing an email to Jake. Maybe I should go back to that. After all he wrote me a long email that included a dream. Yes, I'll go back to that! Seeya

trip

We took a six day trip, the first 3 days at Laughlin and the second three days in Yuma so we could go to Mexico to pick up meds. I was disappointed that I couldn't get Cipro. I haven't yet found out why. I will try to find out after I finish this post. The motel we stayed at in Yuma was a dump. They didn't make up the room after the first night and I had to go to the office to complain and get some coffee. Eliot didn't seem to care. He doesn't care about things like that.

This was the second trip we took. The first trip a week earlier we went to Sierra Vista where we stayed at a decent Days End and did some bird watching. Then we went to Tucson and stayed two nights with Marc and Muriel which were a disaster. Muriel is a stealth bitch.

independence

I gave up my independence when I sold Schmetterling and moved into Eliot's RV. I also gave up doing massage because my table wouldn't fit into his RV and we put it in storage along with lots of boxes some of which I didn't even remember what they had. Eliot took me to places I wouldn't ever had gone to otherwise like Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Alaska. We were very compatible sexually mainly because touching each other was very exciting. Although we said we loved each other, I'm not sure what love means.