selfish

I'm basically very selfish, in the sense that I don't see people outside of how I relate to them. I didn't discover this until I was in my 40's or 50;s when I was in therapy or actually earlier. Once with Fred it happened that all of a sudden I realized that he had his own desires apart from me. I guess basically I used people. Despite all my years in therapy and life experiences I'm still so insecure and confused about how to get along with people.

UTIs

Does Eliot ever wash his hands? Everytime we get together physically, not actually sex in the usual sense, I get a UTI . I do usually end up giving him a blow job although last time it didn't get that far and I won't let him go inside my twat but he does get close to it with his dirty hands. Now I have a UTI again which means I have to go over to the clinic and get some cipro. When we were in Mexico I tried to get Cipro but now the US won't let you bring in Cipro anymore. Why? Has it become a street drug? At the moment I'm so angry that I'm thinking when I get back from Rochester (I'm going there June 24 till July 2) I want to move back to Las Fuentes. Just a studio which if Eliot won't pay for it,. I will with the money Marc has for me. I'm going over to the gym this morning. Since I came back from Las Fuentes I've really gone down hill physically. I;m just so angry now. I was lonely at Las Fuentes. Being with Eliot changes that. Why do I always have to be with someone? I suppose being with Eliot 24/7 for all those years while we were on the road has a lot to do with my needing to be with him although we have nothing in common anymore. What do I do? I guess right now I just have to get some Cipro.

Lawyers

I am being sued by the woman I ran into two years ago. She sued just before the two year deadline. She's asking for more than the liability insurance, or her lawyer is. She wasn't hurt very badly I was and my life changed. I was an active independent 75 year old and now I am a dependent, partly disabled depressed 78 year old. Wednesday I go see the lawyer who is representing me through State Farm. I almost hope this goes to court so I can face her. I'll have Eliot wheel me in in the wheelchair.

I am a very bad person and since I don't believe in hell, I am living it now. I spoke to a Buddhist and tried meditating but I'm not trying very hard. Sometimes when I have bad thoughts, I start counting my breath. I need my life to change radically and only I can do this. If I did the exercises I've been given by the physical therapists, it would be the first step and I could walk outside. The problem with that is walking alone and sometimes messing up Eliot's plans which he doesn't tell me about because he doesn't talk to me. But now I will always find out what they are before I go out. I will take a little walk now. It;s nice to go outside because I don't like being inside.